Supernatural But I Made it Gayer
by Princess Link
Summary: Basically, I rewrote Supernatural starting from season 8 based on what I think would happen if Dean and Cas got together in Purgatory. Destiel and some Sailleen later on.
1. Chapter 1

**Yo, wappup my dudes. This is Supernatural But I Made It Gayer, a complete rewrite of Supernatural starting from season 8. Just a note before we get started, though: if a chapter is untitled, I made it up. Also, the gay starts in Chapter 2. If you wanna know more about this disaster, my Tumblr is** blog/princesslink25.

Supernatural But I Made It Gayer

Chapter 1

We Need to Talk About Kevin (We do. We really do. How does he break _every_ game he plays?)

Our story starts (or, I suppose, continues) in Maine's 100 Mile Wilderness. I wonder if. it's actually a hundered miles. Hmm.

Anyway, a young couple was camping when they saw a strange light. The woman, who I'm gonna call Gertrude 'cause it's shorter then writing "the woman" whenever she does anything, shook her boyfriend awake.

"Will, wake up," she said, "Something's happening."

"Grumble. Go back to sleep," said her boyfriend, Will.

Then, they heard footsteps and saw a shadow outside. Doodoo doodoo doodoo doodoo (How does one write the Twilight Zone theme?)

"Will, go do something," Gertrude insisted.

Will groaned and grabbed a flashlight before going outside.

"Hello?" he called. After looking around for like five seconds, he said, "I think it was a deer or something."

He turned to go back into the tent, when he heard a noise behind him. He turned around to see a very dirty man holding a large bladed weapon of some sort. It just so happens that this dirty bird is one of Our Heroes, Dean Winchester.

"Where am I?" Dean asked rudely.

"What?" Will asked, wondering if Dean was drunk or high or something.

"What's shakin' Bacon?" Gertrude asked, coming out of the tent.

Dean pulled out a gun and pointed it at Gertrude and Will.

"Dude, chill," Will said.

"Where's the road?" Dean asked, still being super rude.

Will pointed somewhere and said, "Twelve miles that way."

Dean, still keeping his gun trained on the couple, slowly walked away. Then, he stole one of their bags and ran off.

Four days later, in Clayton, Louisiana...

A bright orange pick-up truck stopped in the middle of the street, and good old Deany- Dean got out. The truck driver gave him directions and drove off, hopefully to replace his unfortunately colored truck. Dean continued down the road, holding his arm and occasionally flicking it. I do the same thing when my hands're wet. If you're wondering why they're wet, it's 'cause I'm NOT FECKING DIRTY! Just wash your hands, 'kay.

Anyway, it was night and Dean had arrived at his destination. Turn he dug up a grave. When he was done, he rolled up his sleeve and his arm wwas all glowy and stuff.

"Dude, can you just wait like five seconds," he sighed.

He cut his arm and held it over the bones in the grave. The glowy stuff dripped out of his arm while he said a few words.

"Okay," Dean said, rolling down his sleeve.

There was a man behind Dean.

"What took you so long?" the man asked.

"Kept you waitin', huh?" Dean said sarcastically, "You're welcome."

The man cracked his neck.

"Everything good?" Dean asked.

"Good enough," said the man, opening his mouth to reveal Sharp, Pointy Vampire Teeth (TM).

"So, what now?" he asked.

"Like we talked about," Dean said.

"This is the end, friend," the man said.

"Be careful Benny," Dean said and they shook hands.

"We're here, Brother," Benny said, sounding surprised, "We made it."

They hugged.

In Kermit, Texas there were lots of frogs. And if there weren't, there should've been. It's in the name.

Anyway, Sam was packaging a bag. He petted the doggy that was sleeping on his bed with his girlfriend. Then he petted her too, for good measure. Turn he went outside and got in The Car (TM) and drove away (this was all at night, BTW).

It was night, and now it's day when Sam pulled up to a cabin. He went inside, only to have Dean dump Holy Water on him.

"I'm not a demon," Sam said.

Dean then sprayed him with Borax.

"Or a Leviathan," (whale demon) he said.

Dean grabbed Sam's arm and cut him with a knife.

"Or a Shifter," Dean said, satisfied, "Okay, my turn."

He tried to give Sam the Holy Water and Borax (okay, but why not Borax and Holy Water. Like, mixed together. Two birds, one stone).

"No," Sam said, "I know it's you."

"Dammit!" Dean said, dumping Holy Water and Borax on himself, then holding his knife out to Sam.

"Can't I just say hello?" Sam sighed.

"'Course you can," Dean said.

"Okay, hello."

"Okay, now," Dean said, nudging Sam with the knife (not the stabby part).

"NO," Sam said.

Dean groaned and cut himself.

"Well, that's that," he said, wrapping up his arm.

"I don't know whether to hug you or take a shower," Sam said.

They hugged.

"Okay, shower! Shower!" Sam shouted, "Dude, you stink."

"Well, it's not like I could just take a shower. And I didn't have deoderant or anything," Dean said defensively, pulling away.

"You mean... you don't have deoderant with you at all times?" Sam asked, dumbfounded.

"What, no," Dean said, "Why, do you?"

Sam silently pulled a stick of deoderant out of his pocket. Dean sighed.

"Where were you, anyway?" Sam asked, putting the deodorant back into his pocket.

"Purgatory," Dean said bluntly.

"The whole year?"

"Well, ya' know what they say. Time flies when you're running for your life," Dean shrugged.

"... No one says that," Sam said.

Dean sighed.

"How'd you get out?" Sam asked.

"Oh, y'know," Dean said with a strange accent, "Ways."

Okay... what about Cas?" Sam asked.

Dean walked away to stare at the wall.

"He... didn't make it," he said.

"What's that supposed to mean" Sam asked.

"Things got bad and he just... let it go," (I know it's too early, but I don't give a shit) Dean said.

"Okay, did you see him die?" Sam asked.

"I saw enough," Dean said.

"So... he could still be alive? Maybe?" Sam asked hopefully.

"I said I saw enough," Dean said turning to face Sam, "What are you, my therapist? Jeez."

Sam sighed.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Dean went to the refrigerator and got two beers (don't drink kids) and handed one to Sam before sitting at the table.

"Me too," he said, "Y'know half your numbers're outta service? Felt like I was leaving messages in the wind."

"I... did't get your messages," Sam admitted.

"Why?" Dean asked.

"'Cause I kinda... ditched the phones," Sam said guiltily.

Dean stared at him blankly.

"Something happened and I don't hunt anymore," Sam said quickly.

"Yeah, and Sasha Grey's gone legit," Dean said sarcastically. Sam made a face and Dean said, "What?"

"Well, she did a Soderbergh movie," Sam offered.

"What?"

"She-"

"No, you _quit_?" Dean asked.

They argued about that for a while, but I'll spare you all that.

Later, at night, Dean was going through a _whole box_ of phones.

"Hey, you want dinner?" Sam asked.

"Pass," Dean said putting in an earbud.

"Okay," Sam said, stirring something (I hope it's mac'n'cheese).

Sam was eating his mac'n'cheese when Dean decided to glare at him.

"What?" Sam sighed.

Dean yanked out the earbuds and played one of the messages. It was from Kevin. Kevvvvvvvin.

"When was that?" Sam asked worriedly.

Dean played another message. Then another, in which Kevin sounded drunk. Dean replayed the last part of that message, where Kevin said, "Eat me" for dramatic effect or something. Then he played the last message.

Dean stood up and tossed the phone at Sam.

"We were supposed to protect him," he said, "But you did't wanna answer your phone."

Later again, Dean was reading something and Sam was on the computer.

"Listen to this," he said and played Kevin's last message.

"D'ya hear that?" he asked.

"What is it?" Dean asked.

"I think he was on a bus," Sam said, "Look."

He replayed the message, and a woman's voice said, "Last stop- Centerville."

"Centreville, where?" Dean asked.

"Michigan. Look his high-school girlfriend goes there," Sam said showing Dean the girl's Facebook page, probably.

"Well, let's go," Dean said.

Apparently, they waited 'till morning, 'cause it was light out when they finally got around to putting their stuff in the trunk of The Car (TM). Sam tossed Dean the keys and they got in.

"Listen. Do you smell something?" Dean asked.

"What?" Sam asked.

"Never mind," Dean said and they drove off.

It was daytime (the same day or a different day? Who knows). Dean was two kids run around and shoot each other with water guns when BAM! Flashback!

Dean was running around in Purgatory. Turns out, he was chasing somebody! D'you see how it ties in? (Supernatural's got a problem, okay).

Dean eventually managed to pin the dude against a tree with a knife against his neck. The dude revealed his Sharp, Pointy Vampire Teeth (TM).

"WHERE IS SHE?" Dean shouted.

"Oh, you're that human," the vampire said boredly.

"Where's the angel?" Dean asked angrily.

"Dunno," said the vampire.

So then Dean went "Off With Your Head", but then another vampire showed up and tacked him. Then Benny showed up and killed that one.

Sam and Dean were in a hotel room.

"Let's go," Dean said.

"Now?" Sam asked.

"Well, yeah. We need to find Kevin," Dean shrugged.

"Dude, you need to sleep," Sam said.

Dean rolled his eyes.

"Why'd you quit, huh?" Dean asked, "Was there a girl?"

"She had nothing to do with it," Sam said defensively.

It was night before Sam finally tried to explain himself.

"What was her name?" Dean asked.

"Amelia," Sam said.

"What happened?" Dean asked.

"I hit a dog."

"I KNEW I smelled something!" Dean said angrily.

Sam rolled his eyes.

"What about you?" he asked.

"What about me?"

"Purgatory," Sam clarified.

"Oh, that," Dean sighed, "It was a disaster. But it felt... pure."

And you know what that you means. It's time for another flashback!

"You're not gonna thank me?" Benny asked.

"Yeah, I'll eat a cookie and give it back to you," Dean said sarcastically.

"Kinky," Benny said, "But I got something you need. A way out."

"Thanks, but we both know that's not real," Dean laughed.

"If you're human it is," Benny shrugged.

"Okay," Dean said, "Prove it."

"No. You're in or you're out."

"You're just helping me out of the goodness of your heart, huh?" Dean asked skeptically, "Why? What's in it for you?"

"You're takin' me with you," Benny said.

"Fine," Dean sighed, "But first we find the angel."

Benny groaned.

The next day, Sam and Dean were in Kevin's girlfriend's college dorm, pretending to be FBI.

"I haven't seen Kevin in a year," said Channing, Kevin's girlfriend, "Not since he disappeared. He stole his mom's car 'cause he thought he was on a mission from God, or whatever. It was insane."

Channing's roommate, who I'll call Brenda, said some nonsense.

"We know Kevin was here," Sam said.

"No he wasn't," Channing said, "And if he was, I wouldn't have talked to him. I hate him."

"Not gonna ask," Dean decided.

Sam and Dean were brainstorming ideas for finding Kevin.

Brenda was trying to set Channing up with some dude.

"Brenda, I hate you. A bad guy hit me in the shin, and I peed all over my pants," Channing.

"What?" Brenda asked, turning around.

Channing was dripping Black Tar and holding a bowl and a dagger. She slit Brenda's throat and caught the blood in the bowl. She said a few words and the blood started to boil. Then, she started talking to it. Demons are weird, okay.

Sam and Dean were sitting at a table outside. Dean was thoroughly enjoying a burger and Sam was on his compooter. Sam heard a doggy and... flashback!

Sam ran into a veterinary hospital holding a doggy wrapped in a bloodstained blanket. The doggy was pretty calm considering... he's bleeding.

"This doggy needs help!" Sam shouted frantically.

The nurse, Roberta, escorted him into a room.

"He came outta nowhere! I hit him!" Sam shouted, practically crying, "Are you the doctor!?"

"The doctor's on her way," Roberta calmly explained.

The vet came in and said, Roberta, please escort this man out."

"Save the doggy!" Sam shouted as he was escorted away.

Dean was still thoroughly enjoying his burger when Sam was done flashbacking.

"Look at this," Sam said, turning the computer to face Dean, who had his eyes closed.

"Dude, it's just a burger," Sam sighed, "Calm down."

"Do you know the last time I had a burger?" Dean asked.

He looked at the laptop, which showed security footage of Kevin.

"Okay, so he comes here here, but doesn't see his girlfriend. Why?" Dean asked.

"I dunno, but I found the computer he was using," Sam said, "Long story short, I think he's in Iowa. At a coffee shop."

In Fairfield, Iowa, the Winchester Bros. were creeping around a church.

"You sure this is the right place?" Dean asked.

"Barista said so," Sam shrugged.

He pulled on the door and then knocked.

"Kevin!" he called, "It's Sam and Dean! Open up!"

Dean picked the lock and they went inside. Kevin squirted them with Borax from a water gun.

"We're not Leviathans!" (whale demons) Dean shouted.

"What happened to you two?" Kevin asked.

"Cliff Notes: I was in Purgatory, he hit a dog," Dean said.

"Huh. Oh, um... you guys want towels?" Kevin offered sheepishly.

He led them to a room with symbols all over the floor.

Kevin explained to the bros. how he'd translated part of The Demon Tablet (TM) and escaped from Crowley.

"So, where's the tablet?" Sam asked.

"Safe," Kevin said.

"But where?"

"Does it matter?" Dean asked, "It's safe."

"There was some stuff about closing the Gates of Hell. Forever," Kevin said, "That could be important, right."

"Feck yeah!" Dean said.

Sam apologized to Kevin and tried to reassure him, and then Sam had a flashback to when the vet made him adopt the doggy. Pretty sure that's illegal.

Then, an earthquake. Dean handed Sam Ruby's knife and pulled out his large bladed weapon of some sort.

"What is that?" Sam asked apprehensively.

"Purgatory," Dean shrugged.

Then, two demons walked in.

"Dean Winchester, back from Purgatory," said the first demon.

"Spanky the Demon. I heard about you. You're uh, you're the one who uses too much teeth, riiiiiiiiiight?" Dean said with a shit-eating grin.

The demons ran at them, and were easily dealt with.

"Hello, boys," said Crowley.

He and Channing stood in the doorway of the church.

"Well, Purgatory didn't do you any favors, Dean," Crowley said, "Where's your angel?"

"Ask your mother," Dean retorted.

"Ah yes, the grade-school zip. I've missed it," Crowley said before turning to Sam and saying, "Moose. Still got the pork chops, huh?"

Kevin said, "Let Channing go!"

And the Dark Lord said, "No."

"That's not Channing," Dean said, "She's probably dead already."

Crowley sighed, "I can't believe I'm skipping The Golden Girls for this."

He snapped his fingers and Channing said, "Kevin?"

"Channing?" Kevin said.

"What's happening?" Channing asked, "Where am I?"

"You're possessed and going to your safety school," Kevin explained.

" _What_?"

"Everything's gonna be fine," Kevin said.

Crowley sighed, "I just can't."

He snapped his fingers again and Channing was back to dripping Black Tar.

"Okay, I'll do it. I'll help you. Just let her go," Kevin said, "Let me get my stuff."

"This ain't over by a long shot, Crowley," Dean said as Kevin left.

"Who writes your stuff, a marshmallow?" Crowley sighed. Then he called, "Kevin? Are you ready?"

He and Channing walked through the door Kevin had gone through.

Kevin dumpend Holy Water on them and shouted, "Sam! Dean! Run!"

While the demons were preoccupied by the Holy Water, Kevin, Sam, and Dean ran into The Car (TM). Crowley and Channing followed them out.

"Find another meat suit," Crowley said as Our Heroes drove away.

The demon left Channing and, while Kevin watched, Crowley snapped the poor girl's neck.

Dean's phone rang while they were at a gas station, so he answered it.

"Wrong number," he said and hung up.

"Okay, you guys want anything?" he asked Sam and Kevin.

"Nah, I'm good," Sam said, "Kevin, you okay?"

"Oh yeah," Kevin said sarcastically, "The King of Hell snapped my girlfriend's neck. I'm awwwwwwesome."

"Okay, well, I'm gonna go," Dean said awkwardly.

He got out of The Car (TM) and walked around the gas station. He dialed a number on his phone.

"There he is," Benny said over the phone.

"How did you get a phone?" Dean asked, "And this number?"

Benny was hanging out at a cemetery where a funeral was being conducted for some reason.

"Would you believe they sell these things at convenience stores?" he asked Dean.

"Well, be careful. One day at a time, remember," Dean said.

"Yeah, yeah. You too, Brother," Benny said.

"Yeah."


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, the gay starts in this chapter and I'm super excited.**

Chapter 2

What's Up, Tiger Mommy? (This one's got gods, so I'm gonna be PISSED)

This time, we start in a bank in Chicago, Illinois (in case you confused it with Chicago, Zimbabwe). A young, dark-haired woman, who I'm gonna call Sharla escorted an old man to the bank vaults or something. I dunno, it doesn't make sense.

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Vili," Sharla said cheerfully, "You just haven't been here for a while. We had to dig through our archives."

"It's no problem, my dear," the old man, Mr. Vili smiled, "I've got plenty of time."

"Which box was it again?" Sharla asked.

"One," Mr. Vili said, "If memory serves."

"During the last remodeling, we had to replace the safe boxes," Sharla explained, unlocking the box and carrying it to the table, "And we put your's in a new one."

Mr. Vili unlocked the box that was inside the box (box-ception) and pulled out a bone.

"Is... that... a bone?" Sharla asked nervously.

"Yes, a very valuable one," Mr. Vili said.

"Well, I'm glad we were able to keep it safe for you," Sharla said with a nervous smile, "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Yes, actually. I'd like to make a withdrawal," Mr. Vili said (feck you).

Mr. Vili stabbed Sharla with a ballpoint pen and blood flew out like a geyser.

* * *

Dean was eating a hamburger at a table outside a restaurant.

"You're kidding," he said with his mouth full. Manners!

"I just wanna check on my mom," Kevin said defensively.

"It's a day's drive in the opposite direction," Dean pointed out.

"I know we're in a hurry," Kevin sighed.

"Then what's the problem?" Dean asked.

"Channing's broken neck is my problem!" Kevin shouted, "I'd rather NOT see my mom twisted into a pretzel!"

Dean shushed him.

"Fine," he sighed, "Let's go."

* * *

Later, in Neighbor, Michigan...

The Car (TM) was parked across the street from Kevin's house. Sam was looking through binoculars.

"Tiger mom, 9 o'clock," he said.

Kevin stared at him.

"What?" he asked confused.

He grabbed the binoculars and looked around until he saw his mom.

"She's okay," he said with a sigh of relief, "She seems sad, but okay."

"Look at the mailman," Dean said and Kevin did.

"That's Carl. What about him?" he asked.

"He's filled the mailbox three times since we've been sitting here," Dean said.

"Demon?" Kevin asked.

"And the gardener. Think that plant needs any more water?"

* * *

The gardener watering beautiful hydrangea bush in full bloom. Suddenly, the water stopped suddenly. The gardener walked around the house to investigate, only to get stabbed by Dean.

* * *

Carl was walking by the house when he heard a noise He decided to investigate, dripping Black Tar. He walked to the back yard and saw Dean, who waved at him. Then Sam, who was hiding behind the gate, stabbed him.

* * *

Mrs. Tran was playing cards with a woman named Eunice.

"He'll be back," Eunice said, "You just have to believe."

"I know, and I do, but he's been gone so long," Mrs. Tran said.

There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Tran opened it to see Kevin.

"Hi, Mom," he said.

"Kevin!" gasped Mrs. Tran.

Of course, Sam and Dean had to ruin the touching reunion by throwing Holy Water at her.

"She's clean," Dean announced.

Kevin hugged his mother.

"Do you smell that?" Sam asked.

The bros. walked into the kitchen. Black smoke came out of Eunice's mouth. Sam said a few words and it went right back in. Then, Dean stabbed her.

"NO!" Mrs. Tran shouted, "EUNICE!"

"That wasn't Eunice," Dean said bluntly, "She was possessed."

Mrs. Tran sank to the couch. Kevin sat next to her.

"You've seen The Exorcist, right?" Kevin asked (I haven't).

"Is that what you've been doing all year?" Mrs. Tran asked sternly, "Watching television? And did you _have_ to kill her?"

"She would've told Crowley where Kevin was," Dean explained.

"And Crowley's the one who kidnapped you?" Mrs. Tran asked, "That little bitch is dead. I'll go get packed."

She stood up.

"What? No," Sam said, "Mrs. Tran, if Crowley can figure out how, he'll take your soul to Hell and torture you 'till you become a demon. You just have to let us handle it."

"It's not _my_ soul I'm worried about," Mrs. Tran said firmly, "I'm coming."

"Y'wanna help us out?" Dean asked Kevin, who shrugged.

"You think she'll listen to me?" he asked.

Sam sighed.

"Fine," he said, "But you'll need tattoos. And hex bags."

"What!?" Kevin shouted.

"Yeah," Sam said, showing them his Anti-Possesion Tattoo (TM).

"Fine," Mrs. Tran said.

"What?" Kevin asked her.

"It's not like it's my first tattoo or anything," she shrugged.

* * *

Kevin and Mrs. Tran got tattoos. Kevin whimpered loudly, but Mrs. Tran was totally stoic. She held her hand out for Kevin to hold.

"You smell it, Sammy?" Dean asked while they watched the tattooing.

"...Burning flesh?" Sam asked, wrinkling his nose, "Yeah."

"What, no," Dean said, "Revenge."

"You can't smell that, Dean!"

"Whatever," Dean sighed, "How'd you do that reverse-exorcism thingy?"

"I just said the words backwards," Sam shrugged.

"Huh," Dean said (they never do that again).

* * *

Sam and Dean wandered through a bus station in Laramie, Wyoming (The Laramie Project!) looking for demons and such, while Kevin and Mrs. Tran waited on a bench.

"Place is clear," Sam said when they came back to the bench.

Kevin handed Dean the key to one of the lockers they were waiting near.

"Okay. Positive thoughts," Dean said.

He opened the locker and pulled out a bag.

"You hid the _Word of God_... in a _diaper bag_?" Dean asked slowly.

"No," Kevin said, confused.

Dean looked through the bag, which was empty. Sam smirked.

"Shut up," Dean said, throwing the bag into the locker and slamming the door.

* * *

Later, "FBI" Sam and Dean were talking to a guard, who I'll call David Hayter, while Kevin and Mrs. Tran sat on a bench. David Hayter explained that the guard before him, a guy named Clem Smedley (I didn't make that name up), kept stealing stuff from the lockers, and that Smedley was in the county jail.

* * *

At the jail, Sam tried to get Clem Smedley to talk, but all Smedley wanted to talk about was David Hayter. Then Dean got bored and started flashbacking.

* * *

There was a monster with a weird face chained to a tree. Dean held his large bladed weapon of some sort.

"I don't think he knows," Benny informed Dean.

"He knows," Dean insisted, "Where's the angel?"

* * *

We come back to the future for a bit now. Dean took his tie off and put it around Smedley's neck. Then, he pressed a knife to Smedley's throat.

"Dean!" Sam shouted.

* * *

Back in the flashback, the monster gasped, "There's a stream."

Dean made a "go on" gesture.

"It-it runs through a-a clearing," the monster continued, "N-not far from here. I-I could sh-show you."

"Or, you could just tell me," Dean growled.

* * *

"Dean!" Sam shouted again.

And back in the present day, Smedley said, "P-pawn shop. F-first and M-main."

* * *

Back to the flashback...

Dean had his knife under the monster's chin.

"Go on," he said.

"Its-it's a three d-day journey," the monster said, ""F-follow the-the stream. There-there's a clearing. Y-your angel's there."

Dean glanced at Benny.

"You know what?" he said to the monster, "I believe you."

The monster didn't even have a chance to look relieved before Dean's knife was in his head. Dean walked away, with Benny following him.

* * *

And once more back in the present day, this time for good. Dean removed his tie from Smedley's neck.

"Come on," Sam said cautiously and they left.

* * *

Outside the Pawn Shop was some kind of red sports car. Sam, Dean, Kevin, and Mrs. Tran drove up in The Car (TM). They went inside, and Sam introduced himself and Dean as "Agents Neil and Sixx, FBI".

"We're looking for a tablet," Dean said, "Got like, hieroglyphic crap all over it."

"Sold to you by a thief named Clem," Sam chimed in, "Ring any bells?"

"Nope," the clerk said boredly.

"Okay..." Dean looked at the clerk's name tag, "Lyle. I've had a bad day, and I'm in kind of a rush, so if you wanna do this the hard way, that's fine by me."

"Sure- if ya' wanna be famous," Lyle said, gesturing to the store's security cameras.

Dean groaned.

"Is that your car outside?" Mrs. Tran asked.

"Why d'you care, Mail Order?" Lyle asked.

"Hey," Dean shouted, smacking the counter.

"I got this," Mrs. Tran smiled, "I noticed you're driving with expired tags. Maybe because, I dunno, you got it in a trade, so you probably haven't registered it, which means you haven't paid the tax. Am I right?"

"None of your business," Lyle said nervously.

"Kevin, what's the average blue book on a 2010 Ferrari F430 Spider?" Mrs. Tran asked.

"217,000 dollars," Kevin said automatically.

"And the 5% Wyoming tax?"

"10,850 dollars," Sam said after a pause.

"Ten-thousand dollars. You don't seem like the type to pay that much without complaint," Mrs. Tran said.

"What-what is this, an FBI audit?" asked the now very nervous Lyle.

"Oh no," Mrs. Tran smiled sweetly, "But, it just so happens that my brother works for the Wyoming tax assessor's office."

She dropped the cheerful act.

"So what's it gonna be- the tablet, or that piece of Eurotrash you call a car?"

* * *

Sam knocked on the door of Room 126 at a motel.

"You sure this is the right place?" he asked.

"Yeah," Dean said, waving around a small piece of paper they'd gotten from the Pawn Shop.

"Kevin!" called a man's voice.

The group turned to see a middle-aged man with a cane and a top hat.

"Who's askin'?" Dean asked.

"Relax, Dean, I'm not going to steal your Daily Prophet. I have something for him," he held up an envelope, "An invitation to an exclusive auction."

"Where you'll be selling the tablet?" Dean asked.

"Well, we needed a headliner," the man shrugged, "I'm Beau, by the way."

"Well, I hope you've got extra tickets to your eBay party, 'cause Kevin's with us," Dean said threateningly.

"Relax," Beau smiled, "We've got a strict 'no casting, no cursing, no supernaturally (roll credits) flicking you two against the wall for the fun of it' policy."

"Really? How'd you manage that?" Sam asked sceptically.

"I _am_ the right hand of a god," Beau said proudly, "Plutus."

"Is that even a planet anymore?" Dean asked, looking proud of himself.

"Dean, that's Plu-TO. Not Plu-TUS," Sam said.

"He's the god of greed," Beau said, "I guess I'll just have to add a plus three to Mr. Kevin's invitation."

He threw the envelope in the air and disappeared.

"Thank you, Mister Peanut!" Dean shouted sarcastically, "Okay, what can we bid?"

"All we have are a few hacked gold cards," Sam pointed out.

"We'll get creative, then," Dean shrugged.

"Well..." Sam said looking at The Car (TM).

"No. I will kill you, your children, and your grandchildren!" Dean said angrilly.

"Okay," Sam held up his hands, "Wait, how... never mind. So, auctions usually display the stuff beforehand, right?"

"So?" Dean asked.

"So, maybe we could have Kevin memorize the spell," Sam finished.

"Think you can do it?" Dean asked Kevin.

"Of course he can," Mrs. Tran scoffed, "If my bumper stickers mean anything."

* * *

Later, at some creepy warehouse...

Sam, Kevin, and Mrs. Tran went through a metal detector with no problem. Dean, however, set it off.

"Dean, the system only works when everyone participates," Beau said disdainfully.

Dean groaned and unloaded all the weapons he'd tried to smuggle in. He held up Ruby's knife.

"I'll be back," he said, putting the knife in the box.

* * *

The group wandered around, looking at all the stuff that would be auctioned.

"So, how can we tell who's who?" Dean asked.

"Well, they're all monsters," Sam said.

Dean glanced over somewhere and said, "Hey, listen."

They went over to The Demon Tablet (TM). There was a piece of metal on the front.

"Great," Dean sighed.

"Okay, we just need a Plan B," Sam said.

"What exactly was Plan B? Have the Prophet memorize the tablet and then leave?" asked Crowley from behind them, "Hello boys."

Mrs. Tran punched Crowley in the face.

"That was uncalled for," he pouted.

"Stay away from my son," she growled.

Then a bald man came in and said, "Honored guests, please take your seats."

"That's Plutus?" Dean asked, "That? Really?"

Sam nudged him.

"The auction is starting," Beau told the group.

"Nice right hook," Sam told Mrs. Tran (sidenote, I love her. She's so cool and badass. I miss her) as they went to take their seats.

Dean was about to follow when a voice said, "Dean Winchester?"

The voice belonged to a teenage boy in a Weiner Hut uniform.

"Do I know you?" Dean asked.

"No, but I knew Castiel," the boy said.

"You're an angel?" Dean asked skeptically.

"This was the first vessel I could find," the boy said, almost apologetically, "We uh, don't usually come to this sort of thing."

"You're chasin' the tablet?" Dean asked.

"We protect the Word of God," the boy said.

"Well, nice job..." Dean read the boy's name tag, "Alfie."

"Samandriel," the boy corrected him.

"Too long," Dean decided, "I'm stickin' with Alfie."

"Castle," Samandriel said, "What happened to him?"

"We killed Dick Roman and ended up in Purgatory," Dean said.

"You escaped? Did Castiel?" Samandriel asked.

Dean gave him a look that said, "What do you think?"

"He's made a mistake, but some in Heaven believe his heart is in the right place," Samandriel sighed.

"Do you?" Dean asked.

"I think too much heart was Castiel's problem," Samandriel said and walked away.

"Bitch," Dean muttered, and then it was Terror Time again.

* * *

Cas was splashing around in a stream.

"Cas!" Dean shouted happily.

"Dean?" Cas asked, standing up.

"Cas," Dean said, walking over to Cas.

He'd only planned on hugging his friend, but instead, he grabbed Cas's face and kissed him. Benny cleared his throat.

"S-sorry," Dean said, blushing.

"I don't mind," Cas said sincerely.

Benny cleared his throat again.

"Oh, this is Benny. Benny, this is Cas," Dean said, throwing an arm around Cas's shoulders.

"Hey," Benny waved.

"How did you find me?" Cas asked.

"The bloody way. How're you feelin'?" Dean asked worriedly.

"You mean am I still..." Cas twirled his finger around his temple.

"Well, yeah," Dean shrugged, "If you wanna be blunt."

"No, I'm completely sane. But 94% of psychotics think they're sane, so I suppose we must ask, 'What is sane?'," Cas said thoughtfully.

"That's a good question," Dean laughed.

"Why'd you ditch Dean?" Benny asked Cas accusingly.

"Dude-"

"No, you get here, Angel-Face here ditches you," Benny said, "I think he owes you an explanation."

"No he doesn't," Dean insisted, "He got jumped and-"

"No," Cas interrupted, "I ran away."

"You ran away?" Dean asked dumbfounded.

"I had to," Cas said, "I'm sorry."

"You left me with those gorilla-wolves and THAT'S your excuse?" Dean asked angrily, stepping back from Cas, "I prayed to you. Every night."

"I know," Cas sighed.

"You knew but you-"

"I am an angel in a land of abominations," Cas interrupted him, "I've been hunted since we got here."

"Join the club!" Dean said.

"The Leviathans (whale demons)... I've got a price on my head. I left to keep them away from you."

"Oh," Dean said quietly.

"Please just go," Cas said quietly.

"Okay," Benny shrugged.

"No. Cas, I need you," Dean said, grabbing Cas's face again, "We're getting outta here."

"I can't," Cas said quietly.

"You can," Dean insisted, "Benny, tell him."

"There's a way out, but I dunno if it works for angels," Benny sighed.

"And I'm not leaving here without you," Dean said stubbornly.

* * *

Back in the present day, the auction started. Dean sat down next to Sam.

"Hello Samandriel," Crowley said

The group took out all their money and passed it to Dean.

"How much we got?" Sam whispered.

"We got the hacked gold cards, 2000 dollars, and a... Costco membership card."

Mrs. Tran shrugged.

The first thingy was sold to a woman in sunglasses for five pounds of Dwarves gold, so it was time for Plan C. Unfortunately, they hadn't come up with a Plan C. They didn't even have a Plan B 'till like five minutes ago.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Dean announced.

He followed an auction worker, bumping into him to steal his key.

"Sorry," he apologized.

When the worker left, Dean unlocked the door where all the stuff was being kept. There were two dudes inside.

"This isn't he men's room," Dean said awkwardly.

He saw The Demon Tablet (TM) on the table.

"I'm gonna... go," he said and left.

* * *

When he returned to the auction, Mjolnir was being sold.

"The finger bone of Ymir!" Mr. Vili called (okay, so, his bone was pretty small, but the entire world was supposed to be made of Ymir's corpse. Also, why would he have it? Yes, he helped create the world, but why would he keep a bone?).

Plutus shook his head.

"And uh, five-eighths of a virgin," he said, holding up a bloodstained bag that could not hold 5/8 of a virgin, unless said virgin was like, a cat.

"Sold," said Beau.

"Plan C failed," Dean told Sam.

"Maybe you should try Plan D, for 'Dumbass'," Crowley said, "It's like watching a roller skating chicken."

"Next is the Word of God," said Beau.

"Three billion dollars," Crowley called, standing up.

Samandriel also stood up.

"The Mona Lisa," he called.

"The _real_ Mona Lisa, where she's topless."

"Vatican City."

"Alaska."

"Sarah Palin?" Plates snorted, "No thanks."

"Fine," Crowley groaned, "The Moon."

"The Moon?" Dean sputtered.

"Do you really think a man named Buzz goes to space without making a deal?" Crowley asked (he's still alive, though. And the moon landing was more then ten years ago).

* * *

Then Beau, using auction language I din't understand, decided to add Kevin to the mix.

"NO! Mrs. Tran shouted frantically, "Please! I'll give you anything! I've got a 401 (k), my house!"

"Mrs. Tran, I'm afraid this is a bit out of your price range," Plutus said sympathetically.

"My soul," Mrs. Tran said, crying.

"NO!" Kevin shouted.

"I bid my soul."

"Souls," Crowley scoffed, "I can give you a million souls."

Plutus explained to Crowley that all the souls in Hell weren't equal to Mrs. Tran's, because she was willingly sacrificing it.

"I bid... my own soul!" Crowley said dramatically.

Plutus laughed, "Mr. Crowley, you don't _have_ a soul."

"Oh yeah," Crowley said.

"Congratulations," Plutus told Mrs. Tran.

"Thank you," Mrs. Tran sobbed, "Thank you."

Crowley stormed out.

* * *

Sam, Dean, and Mrs. Tran were alone.

"Is it going to hurt?" Mrs. Tran asked, "Losing my soul?"

"Probably," Dean said bluntly.

"Will... will I die?" she asked nervously.

"No, but you'll wish you had," Sam said.

"Okay," Mrs. Tran said, her voice breaking.

Beau came in.

"It's time," he said.

Sam and Dean stood up.

"You good?" Dean asked Mrs. Tran.

"Yeah. Yeah," she said, as if trying to convince herself, "Can I... can I have a minute?"

The bros. walked away and Samandriel walked up to Mrs. Tran.

"Excuse me," he said, "My name is Sa- Alfie. I'm an angel."

"Who... works at Weiner Hut?" Mrs. Tran asked, confused.

"No, this- whatever," he sighed, "We can protect your son."

"No," Mrs. Tran said firmly, "The last time angels tried to protect Kevin, they died and he went missing for a year."

Samandriel nodded.

* * *

(Spongebob voice) A few moments later...

Mr. Vili picked up Mjolnir and hugged it before walking off.

"Where's Kevin?" Dean asked.

Plutus snapped his fingers and Kevin appeared.

"What're you gonna do with her soul?" Sam asked.

Plutus shrugged. "Who knows," he said, "Whenever you're ready..."

He held out his hand to Mrs. Tran, who reached forward to shake it.

"Wait!" Dean shouted.

He grabbed Mrs. Tran's arm and pulled up her sleeve. There was a painful looking burn where her Anti-Possesion Tattoo (TM) had been.

"Hello boys," she said in Crowley's voice, somehow.

Her eyes turned red, and with a wave of her hands, Sam and Dean flew away.

"My-my warding spells," Plutus said.

"Your girl Friday (Freya?) showed me a loophole," Crowley shrugged.

* * *

And now for another flashback. Basically, Beau pinned Mrs. Tran to a wall and burned off her Anti-Possesion Tattoo (TM) with a lighter.

* * *

In the present day, Beau stabbed Plutus. Dean grabbed Ruby's knife from The Weapons Box (TM).

"Get outta her!" Kevin shouted.

If I had a nickel for everytime I heard _that_ ," Crowley/Mrs. Tran (Mrs. Crowley?) mused.

Then, Dean ran after Mrs. Crowley. Kevin tried to follow, but Sam grabbed his arm. Beau pulled out a gun and started shooting at them, so they hid behind an overturned table with Mr. Vili. Then, Sam killed Beau with Mjolnir (and here's the part where I complain that the whole Mjolnir situation makes no sense. According to the Magnus Chase books, Mjolnir's just really heavy, but Mr. Vili's a skinny old guy. And the "Be he worthy..." stuff... Mr. Vili killed Sharla. Pretty sure that's not worthy.) and Kevin ran out. Then, Sam killed Mr. Vili over the virgin cat.

* * *

Meanwhile, Mrs. Crowley was still running away from Dean. Dean shoved them against a wall, and they dropped The Demon Tablet (TM). He pulled out Ruby's knife, but then Kevin came in.

"Mom!" he shouted.

Red smoke came out of Mrs. Tran's mouth (Now'd be a really good time to use that reverse-exorcism thingy, Dean). Then Crowley, back to being Mark Sheppard (as opposed to David Tennant), came in and picked up the tablet.

"Crowley!" Dean shouted, but didn't do anything.

"You know, the Winchesters, well... when they're done with people, they die," Crowley told Kevin.

He then left, in a car that probably has flame decals and bullet-hole stickers.

* * *

Later, Mrs. Tran sat, unmoving, in a chair. Sam, Dean, and Kevin stood around her.

"Has she said anything?" Sam asked hopefully.

Kevin shook his head.

"You tried to kill her," he told Dean, "And don't try giving me any excuses. I just wanna talk to my mom. Alone."

"Okay," Sam agreed, "Five minutes."

* * *

After like, two minutes, they went back into the room to find Kevin and Mrs. Tran gone.

"What's he thinking?" Sam wondered aloud.

"He thinks people I don't need anymore... die" Dean said unemotionally.

He then had a flashback. He was holding the hand of a scared looking Cas. Then, Cas fell.

"Dean!" he shouted.


	3. Chapter 3

**So, I know i said my original chapters wouldn't have titles, but I changed my mind. This is just a terrible chapter to introduce my OC, so I'm also uploading Chapter 4 at the same time.**

Chapter 3

The Gang Gets a New Member

Sam and Dean were doing Sam and Dean stuff. More specifically, they were trying to figure out how to find Kevin for the second time in three chapters. Then, Sam got an alert on his phone.

"So get this, they found a brunch of bodies drained of blood in Forks, Washington," he informed Dean.

"Vampire?" Dean asked. Then he wrinkled his nose and asked, "Forks. Why Does that sound familiar?"

"Probably 'cause that's were the Twilight series takes place," Sam said.

Dean groaned.

* * *

In Forks, Washington...

Sam and Dean went to the crime scene, pretending to be FBI. They inspected the body.

" _Definitely_ a vampire," Dean confirmed.

A small, dirty girl with pale blue eyes, waist length red hair in a messy braid, an old backpack, dirty Converse that might have once been blue, faded flower-patterned leggings and a dirty trench coat walked up to them.

"That's the third one," she said conversationally.

"We know," Dean said.

"Did you know they were all homeless?" she asked.

"No we did not," Dean said, "Thank you, Miss..."

"Zelda," the girl said.

She turned and left, and Dean thought he saw something shiny under her coat.

"Poor thing," Sam said.

"What?" Dean asked.

"You know she was probably homeless, right?" Sam asked.

"Oh. Yeah," Dean said, even though he didn't.

* * *

Later, in their motel room...

"So, a vampire who doesn't like homeless people?" Dean asked, "That's a new one."

"Well, there's a homeless shelter in town. Biggest one in the state," Sam said (I made that up. I doubt it's true).

* * *

So they went to the homeless shelter, only to find a young man laying on his back in a creepy back alley. Someone was on top of him.

"Hey!" Dean shouted, pulling out his gun.

The vampire hissed at them and ran away. Sam and Dean hurried over to the man on the ground. He was bleeding badly, but still alive.

"Don't move!" someone shouted.

The bros. looked up to see Zelda the homeless girl. She held two guns, one trained on each brother.

"Don't move!" she said again.

"Kid, this is all a misunderstanding," Dean said.

"I know what you are!" Zelda shouted.

"Say it," Dean said with a shit-eating grin.

Sam elbowed him.

"Don't antagonize the girl pointing guns at us," he hissed.

"Vampires!"

Dean laughed.

"Dean!" Sam scolded.

"If we're vampires guns won't hurt us," Dean said, "You know that, right?"

Zelda nodded.

"I do," she said, "That's why I've got these."

She dropped the gun that was pointed at Sam to her side, and pushed away her coat. At her hip was a sword.

"Oh shit," Sam mumbled, "Look, ignore my brother. We aren't vampires."

"Really?" Zelda asked skeptically, "Then why did I find you guys with a bleeding homeless man?

"The real vampire ran off," Sam explained, "Look, you're a Hunter, right? So are we."

"Sam and Dean Winchester," Dean added.

Zelda eyed them skeptically.

"Like... the books?" she asked.

Dean groaned and Sam sighed, "Yes, like the books."

"Huh," Zelda said, "You're still not off the hook. Show me your teeth."

They did.

"You're not vampires," she said, relieved.

"Are you homeless?" Dean asked.

"Oh my god, Dean! You can't just ask someone if they're homeless!" Sam scolded him.

Zelda sighed, "Yes, I'm homeless."

* * *

They dropped the homeless guy off at the hospital, then went back to Sam and Dean's motel room.

"So Zelda-" Sam started.

"Thallia," she interrupted.

"What?" Sam asked.

"My name. It's Thallia. Thallia Minoru," Zelda/Thallia said.

"What about Zelda?" Dean asked.

"Fake name," Thallia shrugged, "I'm a homeless, teenage runaway. Why would I give the FBI my real name?"

Dean shrugged.

"Fair enough," he said.

"So, Thallia, how old are you?" Sam asked.

"Um, I'll be fourteen in April," Thallia said.

"You're thirteen?" Dean asked incredulously, "How long have you been doing this?"

"Um, about a year," she said.

"Wow," Dean said.

Thallia was tiny, around five foot. And, when she took off her dirty coat to reveal an equally dirty long sleeved white button down shirt and black pleated skirt, it turned out she was very skinny.

"Do you need some deodorant?" Sam asked, pulling his stick of deodorant and offering it to the girl.

She took it.

"Ugh, Old Spice, she said, wrinkling her nose.

"What's in the bag?" Dean asked curiously.

"Just some stuff," Thallia shrugged, unzipping the bag and dummping the contents on the bed.

There was a thick, green book, a thinner black book with an angel on the cover, several books on ghosts and such, a tablet with a cracked screen, a 3ds, some socks, a thick stack of cash and a change of clothes.

"Where'd you get all this?" Dean asked, holding up the money.

"Stole it," Thallia shrugged, "From my parents. Only for food."

"Hm," Dean said.

* * *

Thallia ended up sleeping on the floor. She'd insisted on it. She said that she'd slept on far dirtier and less comfortable places then the floor of a motel room.

* * *

The next morning, Sam and Dean went to the hospital to talk to the homeless man. Thallia stayed asleep.

* * *

That night, they hung out near the homeless shelter in The Car (TM). Eventually, the vampire showed up and they killed him (I'm sorry, I got bored and I just wanted to finish this chapter).

* * *

When Sam and Dean were preparing to leave, Thallia said, "Please take me with you."

"No," Dean said bluntly.

"Dean, she's got nowhere else to go," Sam pointed out.

Dean groaned.

"Fine," he said, "But you're on research duty. I am _not_ getting a thirteen-year-old killed. And you're not allowed to have a boyfriend."

"Why?" Sam asked, confused.

Thallia shrugged.

"Not a problem," she said, "I'm gay."

"You know what I mean," Dean groaned, "Don't be a smartass."

Then, they left Forks.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Heartache (What about heart BURN?)

We start this time in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in some random park. A young man, who I'll call Jim, was running along a path. A chubby man, who will remain nameless (for now) ran by.

Later, Jim caught up to the chubby guy.

"Your fast," Jim panted, holding his hand out to the chubby man.

"Thanks, I do a lot of cardio," the chubby man said, taking Jim's hand.

He then ripped out Jim's heart (heh heh, puns).

* * *

Sam, Dean, and Thallia were at some random farmer's market. Sam picked up an apple and bit it.

"You touch it last, you buy it fast," Thallia scolded him.

"I know," Sam said.

Dean was struggling with his new smartphone.

"Look, some jogger in Minneapolis got his heart ripped out."

"Literally?" Sam asked.

"No, figuratively," Thallia said sarcastically.

"And the same thing happened six months ago," Dean continued, "So, what does that tell us?"

"Stay out of Minneapolis," Sam said at the same time Thallia said, "Indiana Jones."

"It probably _is_ some kinda ritual," Dean agreed, "Or some kinda... heart-sucking, possessed, satanic, crack-whore bat."

"What?" Sam and Thallia asked.

"It's a case," Dean sighed.

"We need to find Kevin and The Demon Tablet (TM)," Sam reminded him, "That's our case."

"We've been looking nonstop since we found this one," Dean argued, pointing to Thallia, "Also, where are we?"

"Farmers' market," Sam said.

He paid for his stuff and they left.

* * *

At the police station, Sam and Dean were talking to a detective about Jim from earlier.

"The guy's heart was just ripped out," explained the detective, who I'll call Bob.

"Was he robbed?" Sam asked.

"Nope," Bob said.

"Did he have any enemies?" Dean asked.

"He was only in town for a conference," Bob said, "We do have footage of him from a park security camera, though."

The footage showed the chubby man run past Jim.

"And the chubby guy was the last one to see him alive?" Dean asked.

"Other then the killer. Name's Paul Hayes. Totally clean though," Bob shrugged.

"Do you have an address?" Sam asked.

* * *

At Paul Hayes's house...

Paul was making a smoothie.

"D'you want some?" he asked Sam.

"Uh, no thanks," Sam said, "So, you passed a runner who was killed shortly afterwards. Did you talk to him?"

"No, like I told the cops. I didn't know him. I just ran past him and never saw him again."

Dean walked out of the bathroom. Paul took a drink of his smoothie and made a face.

"Oh, it's disgusting," he said, "But, it keeps you healthy."

"Uff," Dean groaned, "Too much fiber."

"Fake news!" Paul said cheerfully.

"The man you passed was a lot younger then you," Sam pointed out.

"Yeah, and less... uh..." Dean said, waving his arms around.

"Full figured?" Paul laughed, "Should've seen me before. Then I had a health scare about a year ago. Changed my life. I started taking care of myself."

* * *

Sam and Dean met up with Thallia at a coffee shop.

"So, what'd you find?" Sam asked Dean.

"Nothing," Dean said, "Well, nothing weird. Just hair gel, condoms-"

"That's disgusting," Thallia said, sipping her coffee.

"Sex is normal, child," Dean said teasingly.

"That don't mean we have to talk about it," she shrugged.

"Did you find anything?" Sam asked Thallia, who'd been assigned research duty.

"Yeah. Another heart ripped out. Ames, Iowa. Same thing happened six months ago," she informed them, "Guy was a cop."

"They caught him?" Sam asked.

Thalia nodded.

* * *

At the Ames Police Station...

"Arthur Swenson," said a cop named Levitt (that's the name of my orthodontist), "20 years on the force. He ordered a pizza, killed the delivery guy. Found him in front of Swenson's house. Heartless."

"What about Swenson?" Sam asked.

"Crying like a baby on the stoop, covered in blood," Levitt shrugged, "He'd been in court all week, testifying."

A phone rang.

"Excuse me," Levitt said and answered it.

"Swenson couldn't have been in Minneapolis," Sam whispered. Dean groaned.

Levitt hung up.

"So, what's Swenson got to say?" Sam asked.

"It's not real helpful," Levitt warned.

* * *

In the interview room, Arthur Swenson was mumbling nonsense.

"You gettin' his statement?" Dean joked.

"Yeah- no," Sam frowned, "Whatever he's saying, it sounds like he's repeating it. Arthur, did an invisible voice tell you do this?"

Arthur slammed his hands on the table.

"You pissed him off," Dean said.

They left after Dean poured Holy Water on Arthur.

* * *

That night, Arthur sat on his bed, still chanting. He broke off a piece of the bed and stabbed himself in the eye.

* * *

The next day, Sam, Dean, and Thallia were in their hotel room. Sam played the recording of Arthur's mumbling.

"You got anything, Thallia?" he asked.

"Nope!" she said cheerfully.

"Wait! I bought a translation app!" Dean announced proudly.

"You bought an app?" Sam asked at the same time Thallia said, "Congrats."

Dean pulled out his phone and opened the app.

"Okay," he said, holding out his phone, "Play it again."

Sam played the recording again. Dean looked at his phone and groaned.

"Language unknown," he said, showing Sam and Thallia his phone screen.

Sam groaned and his phone rang.

"Agent Sambora," he answered it, "What?"

* * *

Dean was talking to a doctor at the hospital.

"So, some kinda psychotic break?" Dean asked the doctor, a dark-skinned (possibly Indian) young woman with a British accent (for some reason) named Dr. Kashi.

"Definitely," Dr. Kashi nodded, "He was determined to remove the eye."

"And what did he use?"

"He... broke off a piece of the bed frame."

"I noticed he had different colored eyes."

"Um, yes. Apparently he was in an accident about a year ago. Most of his eye was shattered, but his vision was save with a transplant," Dr. Kashi said, "The transplant was the eye he cut out."

"Is it possible to trace the donor?" Dean asked curiously.

"It's difficult."

"But possible?" Dean asked hopefully.

* * *

Dean walked into the motel room with Italian food. Sam was on his computer and Thallia was sprawled on one of the beds, reading.

"So get this," Sam said, not looking up, "Paul Hayes mentioned a health scare about a year ago. Guess who else had a transplant a year ago."

"Paul Hayes?" Dean asked, moving Thallia's legs and sitting down. She got up and opened a container of spaghetti.

"Yeah, and I was thinking about Arthur's babbling," Sam nodded, "Maaybe your app said language unknown 'cause it's a dead language. So I emailed an audio sample to Dr. Morrison."

"Who?" Dean and Thallia asked.

"Professor, helped us with the Amazons," Sam sighed.

"Oh," dean said awkwardly, "That."

He'd been trying to forget about the Great Amazon Incident of 2011 I Think.

"Dude, you met Amazons?" Thallia asked excitedly, "Awesome!"

"Not really," Dean sighed, "We should get moving."

"Where're we going?" Sam asked.

"Boulder, Colorado," Dean said.

When Thallia wasn't looking, Dean took a bite of her pasta.

"Bitch, I know you took a sample of my pasta," she said seriously when she turned back to her spaghetti, "Do it again, and I'll do that prank where I scratch open your vein."

"Wow," Dean said.

* * *

A dark-haired young woman walked out of a strip club. There was a man waiting for her.

"Bilquis?" he asked.

"You're... Chick, right?" Bilquis asked.

Then, Bilquis stole Chick's heart. Literally.

* * *

Dean was driving the group to Boulder when he got a call from Dr. Kashi. It turned out Paul, Arthur, and six other people all had organs donated by a famous footballer named Brick Holmes. Meanwhile, Bilquis was performing a ritual that involved taking a bite out of Chick's heart.

* * *

The next day, Sam and Dean visited Brick Holmes's house to talk to his mother. She wasn't super helpful, and she had to go to a thingy, so the Bros. got kicked out.

* * *

After they left, Mrs. Holmes went upstairs to see Bilquis (who was actually named Randa), who'd gotten Brick's heart. She made a bunch of threats and then left.

* * *

Sam was on the phone.

"So, it turns out Arthur was saying, 'The divine god Cacao is born.' In Mayan," he informed Dean and Thallia.

"Who's Cacao?" Dean asked.

"Mayan god of maize," Sam explained.

"AKA corn," Thallia said, "Hm. Anyway, Phoenix is next."

"Seriously," Dean groaned.

"Guy's been missin' for a few days," Thallia said.

* * *

That night, Sam and Dean broke into the Holmes House (TM). They went right to the master bedroom, then to the closets. Dean was in Brick's closet.

"Dean, this is weird," Sam called.

"What is it?" Dean asked.

"I think this is _Eleanor's_ closet."

"Why? Ya' sure?"

"Pretty sure," Sam said, pulling out the outfit she'd worn while talking to them. He showed it to Dean.

"Maybe she moved in after he died," Dean suggested. Then he looked at the large bed, "Or..."

"Nope," Sam said, "Don't wanna think about that."

They went back to their respective closets, and Dean found a secret door. Sam followed Dean into the room, which had a feck-ton of sports equipment. Dean opened a cupboard and pulled out a box of letters. They started to read them.

"They all start the same," Sam said, "'Dearest Betsy'. Who's Betsy?"

"I dunno. A girlfriend, maybe," Dean shrugged.

"This one looks old," Sam said, "You ever heard of a football player named Sugar Ray?"

"Sugar Ray... Robinson, maybe," Dean shrugged, "But he was a boxer. In like, the 40's. What's it signed?"

"The same. 'Love me'."

They read a bunch of letters, until Sam found one that looked recent.

"Dearest Betsy," he read, "So tired of it all."

* * *

Sam was doing research on the laptop.

"Look at this," he said.

Thallia and Dean went over to him.

"Okay, so," Sam said, pulling up some pictures, "Brick Holmes-football player. Charlie Karnes-race-car driver. Davey Samuelson-baseball player. Kelly Duran-boxer."

He made the pictures of all four of the dudes appear at once.

"Look, same dark eyes, cheekbones, nose, mouth."

"So... these four dudes-mid-twenties, go back seventy years-are all the same person?" Dean asked.

"But how'd he do it?" Sam asked.

"So Cacao was Mayan, right?" Dean asked. Sam nodded.

"Well, the Mayans were real onto sports," Dean said, picking up a piece of paper, "The Mayan jocks would sacrifice to Cacao by tearing out someone's heart and eating it. Supposedly, it gave them super strength."

"But they didn't stay young forever," Sam pointed out, "So what, Brick made some kinda deal?"

"Seems like it," Thallia shrugged.

"Well, at least he wasn't sleeping with his mother," Sam said.

"You guys're gross," Thallia groaned.

"No, that was all Dean," Sam said, "Look."

He showed them an old picture of a boxer and a woman with a caption that read, "Fighter Kelly Duran congratulated on a second round knockout by wife Betsy".

"Dearest Betsy," Dean realized.

* * *

The next morning, Sam, Dean, and Thallia went to to the Holmes House (TM). Mrs. Holmes opened the door.

"Hello, Eleanor," Sam said.

"Or would you rather be called Betsy?" Dean asked.

She ushered the group inside.

"Innocent people are dying," Sam said, "They're gonna continue to die unless you help us stop it."

"Did you know about the murders over the past year?" Dean asked.

"No, I swear," Mrs. Holmes sighed, "I thought when Brick died... it would all be over."

"Betsy," Dean said,"Help us. This isn't what you want his legacy to be."

"His Mayan name was Inyo," Mrs. Holmes said suddenly, "He was a proud athlete, who lived for sport and never wanted his days in the sun to end. He arranged a bargain with Cacao through a priest."

"Stay young forever," Dean said.

Mrs. Holmes nodded, "As long as the sacrifices continued. Twice a year."

"When did you find out about this?" Sam asked.

"Not until I began to age and Brick-Kelly, when I met him-did not. But he'd changed. We-we deeply in love. So much so, that, I'm ashamed to say, when I found out, I elected to ignore it," Mrs Holmes sighed.

"The two of you had to go underground every once in a while, right?" Sam asked, "To hide your secret?"

"Every ten years or so, he would re-emerge with a new name, a new look. I was the wife, then the woman in hiding, then his mother. I'm so tired," she sighed, "I think Brick was too. He knew-he knew he'd out live me, but... he'd lived centuries alone, but I don't think he could bear the thought of living without me."

Thallia had been watching Sam and Dean during the story. Sam, she thought, had an appropriate reaction. Dean, on the other hand, looked to be on the verge of tears. Then it hit her like a ton of pounds.

"Destiel," she whispered with a smile.

"You must think I'm a monster," Mrs Holmes smiled sadly.

"No, just that you marries one," Dean assured her, "But now we've got eight killers to deal with, not just one."

"No," Mrs. Holmes shook her head, "Brick always said the heart was key."

"So, if we stop his heart, we stop everything?" Dean asked, "Do you know who has his heart?"

* * *

The Car (TM) was parked across the street from a strip club. Dean made a face.

"Our king daddy monster's a stripper?" he groaned.

"Apparently, her stage name's Bilquis," Sam said, trying to helpful.

"Bilquis, really?" Thallia laughed.

* * *

They went to the back exit. Dean picked the lock and they went inside.

"Okay Thallia," Dean said, "We need you to stay hidden. You're our ace in the hole."

"You just don't want to put me in danger," Thallia argued.

"That too," Dean admitted.

"Seriously," Thallia groaned, "I can take care of myself. How d'ya think I survived this long?"

"Just do it," Dean sighed.

Sam and Dean went upstairs into the main room. Randa/Bilquis was waiting for them on the stage.

"Eleanor sent you," she sighed, "I knew she'd break. This won't end well for her. Or you."

Sam pulled out the knife Mrs. Holmes had given them to kill Randa.

"Can't let you do that, Star Fox," Randa laughed.

Paul and the man from Phoenix attacked Sam and Dean. Sam flew off somewhere, and Dean was thrown onto the stage, pinned down by the two men.

"Guess who I was before," Randa said, "I was this shy little thing from Georgia. Then, the surgery," she put her foot on Dean's chest, "I became freaking Xena, Warrior Princess."

She sat on Dean.

"I'm pretty sure she never killed innocent people," Thallia shouted, "Also, you're very well read."

Sam smashed a bottle over Paul's head, and Dean stabbed Randa, killing her and the two men.

* * *

Sam, Dean, and Thallia were in the kitchen of The Holmes House (TM).

"It's over," Dean informed Mrs. Holmes.

"Thank you," she said, "I half expected you to fail, and Randa would come for me," she laughed, "I'd finally be free."

"Take care of yourself," Dean said and they left.

* * *

In The Car (TM) Sam told Dean that when they found Kevin, he'd leave. Then he had a flashback to when he lost his girlfriend, Amelia (also the vet who made him adopt the doggy he'd hit), and it turned out she'd thrown him a birthday picnic.


End file.
